I came back on Saturday with the idea that Sunday will be enough to get rest and be ready for classes. Well, I guess it is going to take much more time. I still feel very tired plus I am getting pretty overwhelmed with school work – there are millions of things to get done for the next month and a half that I get sick only thinking about that. At the same time, I feel super exhausted and sleepy.

On the top, people keep asking me how was my break/ how was home. Well, everything was great as I already written in the previous posts. However, the emptiness in my heart is bigger than ever. I have this strange feeling…it looked like everyone was doing pretty well and everyone was happy which is good of course. I just feel so out of place again and so so lonely. I have one of these crying days again. Now comes the second wave. The first one was 4 hours ago.

Some of my fears before I left proved right and some proved wrong. The situation in my family is still the same or even a little bit worse. I felt OK being around T. but now everything pours over me and I miss him a lot. It felt so good to be hugged finally and to feel loved. He might be the total opposite of me and we might not have any future together, but the way he loves me means so much and I don’t think I will ever stop loving him either. I just need to get used to living on my own. That is the hardest part. Even though I go for pretty independent person it stinks when I am absolutely alone. Like right now. Like for the last year and a half. And it is not like there are no people here who like me and who think highly of me. That is what I don’t udenrstand. Why all this emptyness? Why all this sadness? I am happy to be here. I don’t want to go back and live in BG or at least not now.  Then what is the problem?

Smith came out surprisingly early as well. I just got the package. They give me 53600$ which includes 5600$ loan and I have 1300$ left to pay which is around 2000$ less than MoHo

Now it is a decision time. Though I have several more left, without JKC I don’t think any other college will offer me better.

It is very interesting to see how you could recognize your real friends in your best and your worst moments.

What are friends about actually? They are supposed to support you no matter what, right? Well, yes, I guess, but when an envy/ jealousy hits it could get dangerous. I think it is OK to be jealous in a good way, which equals more admiration than actually envy. However, many people cross the line of admiration and it might hurt when it is from someone closer. But hey, who said being on the top is easy? As an old saying goes: the king is all alone, so sometimes achievements could be hard.

But hard or not I am going to enjoy the moment because this is probably one of the happiest parts of my life for now and I sacrificied a lot to get here so no matter how immodest this sounds I deserved something good to happen finally and the efforts from the past 3 years have been toward that moment. And for people who wished they had what I have – well, I guess you did not want it as bad as I did. If you have told me all this would happen to me several years ago, I would just laugh at you. But once I decided I could do it, nothing was bad enough to stop me.

Things that I have worked hard I could easily receive and believe I deserve them. However, my mind still can’t understand how lucky I was to meet Quita and have her in my life. On the top of everything she had done so far, now she offers me to stay in Coronado, CA with her and her husband for the whole summer! Even in my wildest dreams  I did not think I would ever have such type of summer.

I haven’t felt that happy for a very long time and I am still assimilating that all this is happening to me

I have been thinking lately about friendships and home. Is there such things as lifelong friendships? I used to believe there was, but at the same time if the differences between friends keep growing bigger and bigger, could such a friendship continue its existence? I noticed that the more I learn, the more critical I have become which is good I guess, but at the same time I forget sometimes that other people might not have changed so much. Some people stay the same in their intelectual development – does this mean we couldn’t be friends any more? I hope not, but it’s getting harder and harder to talk with some of my friends just because there is almost no common topic left to talk about. Like yesterday, one of my best friends called me on Skype and started telling me how messed up his life was now. Well, I couldn’t keep my opinion back and just said what I thought – that if he had real desire to change things, he would change them for better. I have said this to him million times, but that’s how he is. Of course, my lecture on life did not help him much, but what else was I supposed to say? I am just pissed he wastes his time instead of doing something meanigful. Isn’t a good friend supposed to tell you the truth instead of telling you what you want to hear? Ah, so many unanswered questions.

And the other thing that came up to my mind is about the definition of home. What is home for you? Where you were born? Where your parents are? Where you live now or have lived for the last 20 years? I think for me home is a place you feel you belong to, where your loved ones are, where good memories are, where real friends are. Well, right now I don’t think I could call some specific place home. Back in Bulgaria there are too many painful memories and problems left, here at Cottey I have some friends, but I don’t think it fits my real vision of home. It was a home for the last two years, but it’s more like a transition place. I kind of miss not having a place where I long to go back. Well, maybe it’s better that way, I don’t get sad about not ”going home” for a long time, but then I am sad of not having such a place at all. Ah, weird as usual